For most people, books, stories, and characters are what makes them return to their local library again and again. But for Jess it’s more about the library itself that has kept them returning. Jess, Dreamzilla’s latest scholarship recipient, has always felt at home at their library in Cuyahoga County Ohio. This is the library Jess grew up reading in, volunteering for, and now is where they have started their librarian career. Jess is currently working on getting their graduate degree in library sciences to learn more about the field. In addition to their hard work at their library, Jess has ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and ASD (autism spectrum disorder), or AuDHD. In an interview with them, Jess spoke on their history working in libraries, their experiences with AuDHD, and how they are working towards merging library work and neurodivergence to create more inclusive library programs.
Before telling the story of how they got involved with libraries, Jess told me about their AuDHD journey. Like many who have both ASD and ADHD, Jess was not diagnosed with the two disorders at the same time. “I learned I had ADHD when I first went to college. I was having trouble in school and my psychiatrist suggested that maybe I was struggling because of ADHD. I didn’t think that was the case at all, but when I came home and saw a different provider, I was given a definite diagnosis. Looking back, it makes sense that I had ADHD all along.” Jess said that a big part of the reason why they never suspected they had ADHD was because the disorder is often looked at as a male disorder. Additionally, the most known symptoms of the disorder are male centric while females or non-binary individuals have different symptoms that can go unnoticed. Jess reflected on the time after they found out they have ADHD by saying, “I wasn’t upset that I had ADHD. I’m someone who really likes having labels and having the ADHD label helped me make sense of a lot of things in my life.” But after being diagnosed with ADHD, Jess still had suspicions that they also may have ASD due to experiencing symptoms that are not aligned with ADHD. Jess pursued being tested for ASD and was recently diagnosed with the disorder. In response to the diagnoses, Jess said, “It felt both relieving to understand myself better and a little disappointing because it’s something I’m always going to have. But getting a name for it was nice.”
As a newly diagnosed neurodivergent, it can be helpful to look back on your life and begin to understand past experiences. Jess spoke to this concept:
Growing up I felt out of place. I felt like the ‘weird’ one and was even told that a few times. It affected me more when I was older since when I was younger I didn’t really care that I was a little different from everyone else. Some of my symptoms weren’t overtly noticeable until later in life, like my social awkwardness. I didn’t really notice that until high school and college when I realized I had a hard time knowing when I was talking too much and struggled making friends. That kind of sucked. But seeing all those difficult or confusing moments through a neurodivergent lens made me make a lot more sense. I think if I had known sooner I probably wouldn’t have been as hard on myself. If I had known I was neurodiverse I would have had reasoning to why I am the way that I am.
Jess illustrates the spectrum of reactions one can have when diagnosed as neurodiverse. Some may feel validated while others may feel lost and even saddened to realize this is a lifelong disorder. All reactions are encouraged since they are all a part of one’s neurodivergent journey. When asked how they currently feel about how ADHD and ASD have shaped them, Jess said, “They are completely who I am. To me, they are not disorders impinging on my life. They are me. Maybe if I had been diagnosed when I was younger accepting that ADHD and ASD are part of me would have been harder. But since I was diagnosed at 18 with ADHD and 26 with ASD, I think I had already accepted how I was when I got those labels.”
Like most neurodivergents, Jess has on-going ADHD and ASD symptoms that began when they was younger and have stayed with them. Jess’s biggest struggles with ADHD is with focusing and remaining working on a task, especially if they are not interested in it. To combat their struggle with focus, Jess learned when it’s time for them to take a break. But then there are times when Jess is working on a task and they fall into a hyperfocus, which is “an intense fixation on an interest or activity for an extended period of time.”1 Jess said, “If I’m really into something I am able to focus well on it. But that has its issues as well.” Sometimes Jess’s hyperfocusing makes them experience time blindness or in their words, “I can’t defer what feels like five minutes or fifteen minutes. I never know how much time passes.”
ASD affects Jess mostly when it comes to sensory stimuli and social interactions. “Certain food textures I can’t do. If clothes are slightly scratchy, I can’t do it. ASD also affects me socially. I can feel really awkward and not know what to say. But since I’ve always been that way, I don’t view that as an issue. It’s just part of who I am.” Jess has adapted to how ASD has affected their life. In social settings, they have become more comfortable asking if they need clarification on social context or jokes. But there are still times when Jess feels the need to mask their symptoms, something they have become better at as they have aged. I asked Jess if they think this has caused negative or positive impacts on their life. They said, “In social settings I don’t want to look out of place by leaning into my neurodivergence, which can be comforting to me. But I try hard to find a balance of what looks normal and what calms me. Maybe that looks like using a fidget toy or sucking on a candy, things that allow me to express my neurodivergence while engaging in social settings.” Since Jess understands the balance between being yourself and feeling comfortable around others can be difficult, this has led them to be more understanding with others. “I know for myself I need more understanding, so knowing that makes me treat others the same way.”
While now they feel validated and safe with their AuDHD, growing up as an undiagnosed neurodivergent often felt chaotic. But their library was always a place where the chaos ebbed for Jess. “When I was a kid, I went to a lot of library programs. I always thought they were fun. When I was a teenager, my friend group decided to volunteer at the library. We helped make material for the children’s programs and even helped run them.” Aside from enjoying the work at the library, Jess enjoyed the atmosphere of the library and being among books since they were a big reader. Jess thinks that their neurodivergence was a part of why they loved reading so much. “Since I hyperfocus, that helps me read through books really fast. Same with writing.” Being someone who loves reading, I asked Jess if there are certain books that have shaped them to who they are today. Jess said, “I really like the Heartstopper series. I’ve been happy to see how the LGBTQIA+ genre has grown in the last few years. Since I am a part of this community, it is uplifting and inspiring to see this genre of books resonate and make others feel valued.”
During their time volunteering, Jess worked closely with the teen librarian who became an important mentor for Jess and even pushed them towards getting their first paid library position as a page, or someone who shelves books. Even leaving home for college didn’t stop Jess from spending the majority of their time in libraries. While getting their undergraduate degree, Jess worked at the college’s library as a page. Now as Jess is working on getting their graduate degree in library sciences at Kent State University, they are continuing to work as a branch services clerk at their library. In this position, Jess works in circulation which includes checking books in and out, handling customers, and acting as a sub at the library’s reference desk. When asked why working as a librarian is so important to them, Jess said, “I like being able to connect people with library resources that have helped me so much. Helping people in that way is a joy for me, and I want to keep pursuing it.” Jess’s hopes to keep pursuing this joy by becoming a children’s librarian who creates programs for all audiences, including ones that are adaptive for kids that may need a little more support. Jess feels like while some libraries have inclusive children’s programs there are many that do not. Jess emphasized the need for more inclusive programming:
A general program is geared towards kids who are not on the spectrum or don’t need accommodations. Sometimes this means that these programs are really loud and overstimulating. I can put myself in other’s shoes since something like that for me as a child would have been really chaotic and stress inducing. I also don’t think that kids on the spectrum should only go to adaptive programs since this can be really isolating and othering. I think it’s important to make the existing programs more neurodivergent friendly by being inclusive and mindful of what others may need.
It’s clear that Jess is leading a life where they practice being their biggest, baddest self in ways that impact their community. From being understanding with others in social settings to reading literature that promotes acceptance and love to wanting to better library programs so everyone feels included. For Jess, they feel like they are their biggest, baddest self when they are honest with themselves. “Allowing myself to be me. Whether that’s when I’m talking more than normal or stimming without feeling out of place makes me feel content.” Jess’s ability to be themselves is inspiring to the neurodivergent community and can act as a goal for others to strive towards.
Works Cited
- Royce Flippin, “Hyperfocus: The ADHD Phenomenon of Hyper Fixation,” ADDitude Magazine, last modified 10 July 2024.
About the Author:
Alyssa Marchese